Let me tell you a story…
On Saturday, I walked over a bridge drinking a can of Celsius. The only thing worse than going into work in a groggy state is going to work sleep deprived and half asleep. I sat down on a ledge. I watched the trains go by. My AirPods played Cigarettes After Sex and Arctic Monkeys. Despite everything, I felt still.
As I was watching a passenger train whizz by, I saw a man walking up from the right side — just after the curve from the bridge. I'm not sure if he saw me sitting down from the houses who could oversee the bridge or if that path was a part of his routine morning walk; either way, he tried to strike up a conversation with me. Was it from the expression on my face? Was it from my still damp cheeks?
I took both AirPods out of my ears.
I didn't know where to start. Or maybe I did, and that was the problem. I didn't want a random stranger to know everything about my troubles. I stared at the pink and red idle train right below us. I took a sip of my Celsius and quietly said, "I'm alright. There's just been a lot going through my mind as of recently." I paused as a kid with a scooter drove right past us. "A lot of my friends changed up on me. People who I thought I could trust suddenly discarded me as if I was nothing."
"Why'd I say that?!" I thought to myself immediately after.
I stopped looking at the train & I turned to look at Scott. "I got out of the house for some fresh air & to reflect for a bit. This trail is where I go when I need some me time," I replied.
Scott nodded his head. His eyes were glued to the tracks. He took a second and told me:
"Some people walk beside you. Others are headed in the same direction for a while. Trains stop at a lot of the same stations. Doesn't mean they're on the same line."
I took another sip. I took a deep breath. I didn't have a response for that. I just nodded, eyes back on the tracks. He was right & we both knew it. I told him more about the last 48 hours. I told him as if it happened at my school. He told me about his newborn granddaughter. He told me about his kids, his life, his hiking trips. About ten minutes later, I stood up. Scott told me that he knew I was going through a lot, but time is the best healer. I thanked him for his time & he hugged me before continuing his walk.
When I got back home, I threw my jacket on my bed. I told my boss I had food poisoning & I couldn't come into work. I didn't want her to see me like this. I especially didn't want to interact with customers in a state like this. I might've missed my paycheck for that day, but I think it was worth it. I shut off my phone. I went into my freezer, picked up a half-empty pint of vanilla ice cream & ate it all.
This whole story was as a result of a lot of things that happened in my life, not just one singular issue. But I do want to highlight one particular event that contributed the most. I got up on Thursday, March 26th, early & prepared. That day was the biggest day of the year, thus far. I had two important midterms I needed to ace if I wanted to be in good standings for the final at the end of the year. School started extra late for us today, so I took all the extra time I had to study for the three midterms I had for that day.
I got to my first class, APHUG. Our midterm took around two hours. FRQs are never my thing, but I still did alright. I did get a near perfect score on the MCQs though. I got to my lunchroom afterwards. The only thing on my mind was Biology & English. I turned on my Chromebook & went to review.
About ten minutes into studying, I was put into a group chat on Slack with Evan, Lou, & RadioBlahaj (Alaska). I thought about ignoring it & continuing studying, but I might as well glance at it. The message was vague, and I had no clue what it could possibly be about. Lou told me someone sent a report of a few inappropriate GIFs/images I sent on Slack. Needless to say, I was shocked. For the last couple of months, I've only used Slack for the Fire Department, a community event I used to help organize, and to talk to a couple of friends.
I started looking through all the files I sent to any public channels. I couldn't find anything to warrant such a response. I sent a message to the group chat — I told them I was extremely confused. I apologized for anything I might've done, yet I still asked for more information.
A couple hours later, I received a message from Lou in the same group chat. Lou sent messages to a private channel I had made with a friend. The messages I sent were not the most Code of Conduct (CoC)-compliant. They were memes that were, rightfully so, inappropriate — just like Lou said. I was completely astonished.
They were on a private channel I had made with a friend. I won't name the friend as they did no wrong-doings & they have a lot going for them — both in Slack & outside of Slack. I would not like to taint their public record by wrapping them up into my issues. We made a private channel to huddle in & invite bots while studying or talking together. We had invited around two or three bots to play music in huddles as we couldn't invite them in personal huddles. We started using the channel to talk every now & then.
One day, as we were huddling — I sent an image of a meme that was going around my school. Our school offers a Graphic Design course. For one of the last projects, students have an option to print something on a crewneck. A senior decided to print an image of a NSFW Roblox character saying a slur. He got suspended later. I sent the message when we were discussing weird things that happened at our schools.
When Lou sent me a screenshot of those messages, I froze. So much was going through my mind. Who could've reported this? Was someone else in the channel? Was it my friend? Did I accidentally invite someone else?
I gave the group chat full context & told them they were welcome to view the channel themselves on more than one occasion. I hadn't touched the channel at all. I couldn't bring myself to study for the final day of midterms on Friday. I couldn't even bring myself to sleep nor eat. I was visibly shaking and terrified for the rest of the day. Lou told me not to reach out to who I thought the reporter was. Naturally, I didn't talk to the other friend who was on the channel. They called me after school. I declined. I thought they were going to tell me their side of the story, but I was too numb to even talk to them. I shut everything off and tried to sleep. It didn't feel real; it felt like a dream. I found myself reaching over for melatonin every hour or so to just sleep. My friend had laughed at the whole situation in our huddle & this was last month. What has changed?
They made a decision without reading the full context, verifying the messages, or asking me for anything other than the context. A two week ban is extremely excessive for a case like this — they moved fast, told me nothing, and left me isolating myself from my friend with no idea who even submitted the report. I felt as if they were trying to rush the ban too. They were about to deactivate me at school before I pushed back.
I treated it like a private conversation — if I knew anyone else had access, I never would've sent it. To fast-forward — and for the story to make slightly more sense — my friend wasn't the person who sent in the report. The person who submitted the report told me publicly in a thread in #money-laundering; it wasn't the Fire Department who told me. The person had a bot user account in the channel that my friend invited. They logged into the bot to debug & they saw the messages sent. They did the right thing and sent in a report. I do not want this thread to devolve into an argument about whether or not they should've sent in the report. I spoke to them long before any of this happened — they are genuinely a really awesome person. They did not do anything wrong & I do not want them to be targeted. Was it an invasion of privacy? Maybe. But my friend invited them. I apologized to them many times and I apologized about the #money-laundering thread turning into people targeting them.
As a previous Fire Department member, I understand moderation is hard and difficult. Moderation is supposed to consider intent, context, and history — not just the content itself. My intentions were to show a friend an absurd situation at my school. And yes, it was a lapse in my judgement. This is completely different than sharing an image because "haha look, it's a slur" or "haha it's a naked Roblox character." Instead, it was, "this senior ruined his graphic design grade by being extremely foolish." Sending something privately between two people is vastly different than posting it to Lounge or Confessions.
Before this, I had a fully clean record with nothing incriminating. My friend wasn't offended. The reporter was surprised at seeing the messages and I genuinely apologized to them when I heard the full story. I sent a message to the reporter on Signal since I was under the assumption the Fire Department wouldn't ban me due to the "complicated case." Because the Fire Department gave me nothing, I still believed my friend had reported me.
"From our understanding as far as the group chat is concerned, we thought you understood why we were taking this decision but later on in #money-laundering we saw otherwise."— Reply from the Fire Department
At first, I blamed myself entirely. I was under the assumption my friend had sent in the report, and that belief was taking a toll on my mental health. When the reporter came forward publicly, I realized I was being too harsh on myself. Everything shifted. I wasn't entirely in the wrong. I was standing up for myself. How could I have understood when I didn't even have the full story? When I asked for it, I got nothing.
The Fire Department jumped the gun & decided to go with the harshest punishment they had. Being in the Fire Department, I have seen the type of punishments given out for something like this. In fact, I have given out many warnings for people who have posted very similar things to what I have posted. Not to mention, I sent this link to a private channel of mine where I was talking about another dumb thing someone at my school did. Although it wasn't graphic, it could still be argued that something along those lines shouldn't be on Slack — but multiple Fire Department members in my channel saw it & thought it was absurd. This punishment wasn't proportional. A two week ban would only have been the option if the user had malice, it wasn't their first offense, & nothing in the past has worked; keep in mind, it would have needed to be in a channel with others in it. This is the second to last resort in most cases. Their punishment jumped straight to a level usually reserved for repeated behavior.
The Fire Department's core value is to focus on rehabilitation & making people the best people they can be. This is the exact reason why I chose to join the Fire Department. Punishing people is not what the Fire Department is focused on. Imagine if you were given only two shots before getting permanently banned. It completely goes against everything I worked so hard to fight for. I was treated as if the material was way worse than it actually was. It shouldn't have been shared publicly, & it wasn't shared publicly. Was I setting a bad example to a friend? I'll be upfront, our text messages would've already set that example. The messages were the private conversations of a 14 year old. It was only a matter of time before conversations derailed. It wasn't out of malice, but out of being a kid. I am not a CoC-compliant robot. I am a human.
I joined the Fire Department because I remembered how much the "Commie Team" helped me before. When I first joined Hack Club in the 7th grade, I was extremely immature. Others in the Commie Team have helped me find who I am, what I valued, who I really was — they helped me fight addiction, & they made me me. I joined the Fire Department to show Hack Club the Fire Department isn't as bad as people say it is. I wanted to change their public view. I do think I accomplished my goal though. In the #money-laundering thread, everyone seemed to have nothing but positive experiences with me. & that really means a lot. That was always the goal — to show people what they were doing wrong & help them do better. I'm not asking to not be punished since I was a part of the Fire Department. A two week ban should never have been the first option, especially without verifying the full context.
For me, leaving the Fire Department was something that was due for. I had plans to leave the Fire Department in late April. I realized after all my attempts trying to change the Fire Department, there were many other issues I knew I could never change. I was waiting until late April or the next Fire Department applications to resign. This would have given the Fire Department more than ample time to find someone who could take my spot. It would provide someone else with the role that I loved and cared about so much.
Hack Club has been, hands-down, one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I met so, so many great people I haven't met otherwise. It's been my personality, my identity, my past-time, & so much more for the last two years & five months. I was stripped away from a team I loved & cared about overnight. I was treated as an enemy, not as a friend. I feel completely alienated from people I thought were my best friends on Thursday.
Not to mention, no one in the group chat has even asked to be invited to the channel. I've told them it's all theirs to view so many times. No one in the group chat has even talked to me since. The only time they sent me a message since they told me about the punishment is when I criticized them not telling me anything about my request to extend the time when I would be banned — but they had plenty time to talk in the #money-laundering thread to further push their agenda. They haven't said goodbye.
Put yourself in my shoes. Overnight, I lost one of the greatest communities I have been a part of. A clean record, helpful team member, all my attempts at sympathizing with others. All for what? I have put well over 200 hours for the Fire Department, far more countless hours in Hack Club. When I sat on that bridge, I wondered where all of it went. 200 hours. All for silence.
About a couple months into the Fire Department, I volunteered to build a filter bot. I spent close to 30 hours on it — testing it, refining it, & making sure it worked exactly how they wanted. I submitted my pull request. It was merged later after Alaska debugged a lot of it. It was removed just a couple of days later. No feedback, no response, no explanation. All I got was silence. To add insult to injury, a couple of days before my ban — someone else built the same filter. Mine was never mentioned again. These are just the things that quietly build up.
I've put in so much hard work into both the Fire Department & Hack Club. I was a lead engineer for Apex. I had a mini-roadtrip with Zach & Christinia. I ran YSWSes. I was a reviewer for Summer of Making & OnBoard. There were many other hackathons I ran in my area to show others with my interests what a wonderful place Hack Club was. After all my time showing others how an inviting place this Slack is, the Fire Department has treated me like the complete opposite.
I have given many counter-arguments to all their claims while the Fire Department keeps beating around the bush on many of my questions. Alaska had shortened my ban duration from two weeks to one week. I really did appreciate that. Additionally, when I asked to be banned at 10 PM — they accepted it too. Alaska also stated it was a complicated case. I completely understand that. I sent a message in the #money-laundering thread telling the public about how I shouldn't be banned & I asked to defend myself. The Fire Department said they would also have a call on Monday, March 30th, to discuss my ban & our actions. I asked to be able to defend myself & to not be banned since, as Alaska said, it was a complicated case. Others were able to defend themselves. I forwarded the message link to the group chat.
At this point, Alaska had already logged off for the night. I completely understood that. I was still shaking, just like I was on Thursday. I was drafting a final response before logging off for the night. I was on Slack ten minutes after 10 PM ET, talking to a couple of people in DMs. I switched over to Google Docs to continue writing. As soon as I got done at around 10:15 PM ET, I couldn't log onto my Slack account. This shows my ban was not automated. The same people I called friends in the group chat saw my message asking to extend the time I got banned till after we could resolve it & completely ignored it.
"Why was I banned without any response? I'm not sure what you exactly mean here. We intended the group chat to be a space to talk and understand more, but I understand that from your perspective it didn't feel like it served its purpose. If you mean anything in #money-laundering, I'm sorry we might've not answered your questions — so it was a little confusing and the thread was moving fast so we couldn't keep track of everything. I'm sorry we didn't get to answer all your questions or talk about any feedback you had."— Reply from the Fire Department
Maybe I might be in the wrong for assuming the group chat was a way to talk to the three other Fire Department members about my ban. Before the Fire Department banned me, the least they could've done was read my messages & at least keep me in the loop about whether or not they accepted or declined my request to not ban me till the case would have been resolved. This is my biggest ask: I would like to know who pressed the trigger on my deactivation. Slack has audit logs. If I'm being punished for something as minor as this, I would like the person who deactivated me to, at the very bare minimum, admit their mistake. Not publicly, obviously. Public shame does not lead to anything beneficial.
Yes, it was a couple of paragraphs long & my request was near the end, but after putting in over 200 hours into the Fire Department, I expect all my messages in the group chat to be read. At the bare minimum, a thirty second glance is all I wanted. I didn't even get that. They wanted to ban me right away while I was at school. I asked to be banned at 5 PM ET just so I can get my affairs in order. Then, after I heard about how they obtained the messages, I asked for it to be extended to 10 PM ET. After they mentioned it was a complicated case, I wanted to defend myself.
One important question that the Fire Department has been avoiding is: what good does this even do to the community?
The first few months of being in the Fire Department, they sent me fudge as a little reward for doing a good job & resolving the most amount of issues. My parents loved the fudge. Funny how they sent fudge, but couldn't be bothered to send a goodbye. It feels like being slapped in the face by people I trusted. This case was not handled holistically. They have removed me from the team. I always gave it my all. Who does this punishment actually help? Yes, the reporter might have been surprised, but there's a huge difference between one person seeing something than a whole channel filled with many people. I have apologized to the person who had sent in the report. The Fire Department won't back down & admit their mistakes. A warning or just listening to me would have never resulted in this whole situation. This has only made the community outraged & scared of the Fire Department. I have owned up to all my mistakes.
Lastly, there wasn't even a community logs report. I have explicitly stated that I was fine & I wanted one to many people, yet there was still nothing. There is absolutely no reason why I should be banned and not have a report. If it is still developing, then don't ban me. If it was done, then make a community report. In my personal opinion, this feels like the Fire Department does not want the community to speak out on this issue.
To the Fire Department, I give you full & explicit consent to make anything about me — from when I first joined Slack to this very moment — public. Tell me what goes on behind closed doors. When the Fire Department won't reveal something to the public, it's for complicated cases when we still want the immature teenager with an undeveloped frontal cortex to better themselves & leave their future not reliant on their past actions. At this point, it's public information. I don't plan on staying in Hack Club after this. There's absolutely no coming back after people who I cared about so deeply discarding me like a piece of trash. The Fire Department's actions made Hack Club a totally uninviting place for me. What went on when making that decision?
A huge majority of the current Fire Department had no clue about what had happened. You did not do anything wrong. A lot of current & past Fire Department members have reached out to me when I made this story public. They apologized about what had happened. I don't hate anyone in the Fire Department. I worked with most of you for a year now. I've known all of you for years. It would be, quite frankly, extremely hypocritical of me to hate anyone in the Fire Department over what happened. You all were more than just a team of random teenagers all across the globe — you all were a family for me. I didn't cry because I was removed from the Fire Department. I cried because I lost you guys. I cried because I lost Hack Club.
I won't tell you what to do, but keep this essay in mind when you press submit on the Fire Department application bot.
After sending an email to conduct@hackclub.com, all the other Fire Department members saw the message. This time, they couldn't ignore my messages. They stated:
"I know that you're a great and smart kid. We've talked a decent amount outside the FD and you're a very great person to talk to. I see a lot of great stuff coming up for you and this is just a one-time mistake and we tried to act on it how we thought it was right. We took a lot of time discussing this and making sure based on what we have we can take the best decision possible. You are not a bad person and I highly doubt anyone else in the fire department or community feels that way about you."— Reply from the Fire Department
This is after years of being friends with people in the Fire Department. If they can do this to me, imagine what they would do to you if you make a small mistake. I'll be completely honest, being a part of the Fire Department changed me. It made me a way better person. I want others to experience the joys of being a part of this great team, but I wouldn't join the Fire Department anytime soon unless they make radical changes to ensure something like this never happens again.
Additionally, when the Fire Department states:
"You are welcome to join the FD and you'll still be welcome to join other parts of Hack Club and contribute to those once your ban duration is over if you'd like to."— Reply from the Fire Department
From what I have seen, this is almost guaranteed to be false. I have never seen a Fire Department member be reinstated back into Hack Club.
And, probably the most important point — this behavior happens a lot with current and past Fire Department members. When I publicized my story, many people I used to work with sent me a message apologizing about what was happening to me. I won't reveal their names, but you know who you are. Thank you. I'm not the first. I won't be the last. There's a saying that goes something like: "where there's smoke, there's fire." If there are rumors or suspicions about something — it probably has some truth to it. Pun is intended.
Other Fire Department members were removed from the team with no reason given. I was one of the "lucky" ones who received a reason. In one case, one of my friends who was removed asked questions regarding their removal only to not get another response. This is how they treat some of their most loyal volunteer firefighters.
This is not the same Fire Department I told Alaska I was "honored" to join.
Hey! I loved being a part of both of your teams. I think both teams are doing the best they can to help make the community the best it can be.
Conversations like these are very hard to have — it's the hard conversations that are the ones worth having. I have made my wording very clear to make sure it:
To anyone who wants to reply: please do not derail this thread. Please do not get heated.
If the Fire Department decides to lock this thread for any reason, a conversation such as this one will be extremely hard to have with the community. Do not give anyone the reason to lock this thread. I'm only interested in getting my story & experiences out there while giving constructive feedback to the Fire Department about what I was disappointed in & what they could've done better next time.
As I will be leaving Slack, I am not looking for any appeals nor to be added back into the Fire Department. I truthfully think my removal from the Fire Department was unfair & unjustifiable. I just wish it could've ended as a goodbye rather than a removal. In an ideal world, a mutual parting — rather than a removal — would've been the fairest outcome for everyone involved. I am not asking to not be punished since I was a Fire Department member; in fact, I want to face consequences for my actions. The only problem is their consequences are completely unprecedented as they took only a few parts of the story into context while ignoring many other parts.
To anyone else I've known on Slack, I'm extremely sorry it had to end on a bad note. I wish I had more chances to meet all the people I've called my friends for the last two & a half years. I'm extremely grateful that I got to meet the people I met; to the people I didn't meet, let me know the next time you're near Chicago.
Also, if I had to choose between my friends or the Fire Department — I will always choose my friends.
Scott told me time is the best healer. I didn't believe him then. I'm trying to now. Thank you, Scott. I really hope we meet again sometime soon.